Question:
My husband and I seem to be constantly fighting but never resolve our problems. While the fights are often trivial matters, we still become very angry. We love each other and are both committed to the marriage. What can we do to stop the fighting?
Answer:
All married people argue from time to time, so it's unreasonable to assume some fighting may not to occur. The important factor is how these disagreements are handled. Any couple (or individual) having difficulty handling emotions caused by the stresses of everyday life should seek counseling from a qualified professional. The goal should not be to determine a "winner" but to reach a satisfactory solution for all concerned, with a minimum of emotional pain. The following guidelines might help you reach agreement more quickly.
- Limit the conflict to the here and now. Never bring up past failures, since they should all have been forgiven long ago.
- Eliminate the following phrases from your vocabulary: "You Never" or "You Always"; "I Can't (instead substitute "I Won't"); "I'll Try" (usually means I'll make a halfhearted effort but won't quite succeed); "you Should" or "You Shouldn't" (which are parent-to-child statements).
- Consider the Bible instructions for married couples (Eph. 4: I Cor. 13). This will help avoid becoming depressed and discouraged, which only worsens marital conflicts.
- Remember, conflict resolution is what is most important, not who wins or loses. If the conflict is resolved, you both win. You are teammates, not competitors. Before you start practicing thee ideas, keep in mind two basic principles. First, be sure you accept your mate unconditionally; decide to love him despite his minor flaws, whether or not he changes. Second, choose happiness and peace for yourself by determining to practice some form of guidelines, even if your husband does not.
Answered by: Dr. Robert Rice
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