Question:
Can you give me some suggestions about how to take a tough love approach with a family member?
Answer:
Tough love is one of the best techniques a family member can use to help their loved one seek help. Whether the loved one is male, female, adult or adolescent and no matter what the identified problem there are a few basic rules that can be applied in almost every situation.
- Before you meet with our loved one, sit down and write out the specific behaviors that need to change. If you come up with numerous issues, choose the most important 5 or 6 an list them.
- Use "I" messages instead of "you" messages. Starting a sentence with "you" will only put the other person on the defense and may get a negative tone for the entire meeting.
- Express warmth and genuine concern for your loved one. No matter how much you have been hurt remember your main goal is to get help and get them into treatment, not to get even or put them on the defense.
- Decide ahead of time to include other family members and/or friends. A minister, family members, mutual friend or other relevant individuals can help the loved one to take the meeting more seriously.
- Remember that tough love means to be firm and assertive not aggressive and vindictive. Being self-righteous will only alienate the person you really want to help.
- Don't respond to personal accusations. If your loved one begins to point out your faults it will only get worse if you deny your shortcomings.
Answered by: Ron McCafferty, M.S.W.
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