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Question: My son's school counselor has suggested that we praise him for good behavior and give him consequences when he breaks rules. I've heard this plenty of times, but how do I know what kind of consequences is best and when to give it? Answer: Every parent struggles with these questions at some time or another. With an endless list of positive and negative consequences to choose from, it's understandable that some parents feel overwhelmed when faced with finding solutions for changing their child's behaviors. First, know your child's personality and age. Not every consequence works for every child at every age. If you are still parenting your 15 year-old like a 5 year-old, you may become very frustrated. Preschool children respond best to immediate consequences such as time-out while older school-age children and teenagers respond well to consequence delays such as removing privileges. Strong-willed kids or children with behavior disorders tend to need more frequent, consistent consequences than easy-going, compliant children. In addition, know your child well enough to determine what is going to be positive and negative for him or her. One child's restriction from Nintendo is another child's removal of phone privileges. Second, know how to use the consequences correctly. Many times parents administer consequences incorrectly. Spanking, time-out, and behavior charts can all be misused and result in little or no change in a child's behavior. Be prepared to find out HOW to give the consequence which will involve practice and patience as you strengthen your skill and knowledge. Children learn best through repetition and experience but this is true for us parents as well. Third, know that it takes time. Have you ever heard a parent say, "oh, that doesn't work with my child" after using a positive or negative consequence for only a few days? Believe it or not, most kids are not convinced enough to change a behavior until they receive a consequence consistently or MOST OF THE TIME. Many parents want to see a change in behavior immediately. A more reasonable way of thinking is to ask yourself, "Am I seeing less (or more) of this behavior than I was 2 weeks ago? 1 month ago?" In changing child behavior, consistency will usually yield results if the consequence is used correctly. Finally, accept that changing child behavior is a commitment that takes time, effort, and information. Answered by: Dr. Susan Bryant, Ph.D. |